when i was a child, i remember listening to myself a lot more than anyone else. back then i didn't know this but i would use my art as a medium to heal me and in those moments i could clear away my thoughts to listen to god.
i need this cleansing.
as much as i have accumulated anger in my lifetime i have always found my way back to love. i always find myself giving love to those who have brought me pain. i honestly thought there was something wrong with me for letting things go so easily.
i questioned myself.
why did i allow myself to endure all of what they put me through just to give them something i felt they never deserved?
this past year, i have learned i was fighting against love. i was fighting against who i was in order to not be perceived as naive or dumb. i was fighting against my need to understand; to be empathetic. i went against my divine right because of what society taught me to be.
it was easier to hate but here i was struggling naturally to hate because i was filled with all of this love. love that i was meant to give.
i am blessed.
i sit back and i just feel how beautiful i am, not by looks but my divine essence. while i fumble internally, good juju is drawn to my love because i have this natural free flowing ability to share this love. i'm still learning while i grow and my gratitude pours out and comes back through the people around me. those people bring me lessons, projections, and perceptions i look at now as something i can learn from.
i'm not tight about a damn thing.
after realizing the very thing i was searching for was home all along, i started to feel shifts in relationships with new and old people. i found people who helped me to see more about myself through their experiences. life has become this path of discovering myself through conduits and mediums of all sorts.
i am forever grateful that this is for me.
this will be another reoccurring theme based on past experiences and the way i view them now. this is for my healing in order to shed these dead layers of myself. sharing these experiences, i hope will in a sense be a release and possibly be a lesson for someone else.
i needed you
yes, you, a black girl who projected her own ugly onto another black girl; me.
you said that my locs were raggedy. thank you!
up until that point, i was really struggling with my loc journey internally. before my locs, i become accustomed to changing my hair to suit the needs of my self hatred. my baby locs were too short to style and my hair being my hair, would become frizzy a week after interlocking. this has forced me to be patient with my growth but i repressed my frustration instead dealing with it.
i admired my hair, it's curl pattern, it's strength, and growth but i wish for it to be something it was not. i didn't notice i was internally harboring negative thoughts against something that was so much apart of me until another woman said it.
if you know me or follow me on social media you've probably heard me say this…”the external world will shed light on your internal world and the people who you attract into your life will reflect you internally.” this means if i am ugly internally, externally the universe will reciprocate that ugly back to me, and the same thing applies when you're internally beautiful. the universe doesn't reflect you to mock you but to get you to see you may need to change the thought patterns that are taking place internally.
things are happening for you, not against you.
so when i heard her comment pertaining to my precious locs i immediately found my body growing defensive but i told myself no it's okay. my spirit knew exactly what this was and i found myself thanking the universe, my inner god for the message.
thank you for showing me my ugly.
this post isn't about you. actually, it refocuses that light you tried to steal and shines it back on my path.
i find myself proving my ugly wrong and living a healthy relationship with myself because of you. my hair is what it is and i accept the beauty in that. so while i watch my crown flourish into a floral mess i know that it is beautiful to me and that is all that will ever matter.
i pray that you have someone step into your life to reflect your ugly back to you and i hope that you see it as a time of growth.
comment below on a time a person reflected your the ugly that you needed to change. be sure to thank them.
love was one of those things i heard about in songs. that love was so out of reach for me because i was so focused on listening to myself. i had this idea that love was only relevant when two people came together.
i am writing to the universe again, using questions from mama moon's self-love workbook.
ii. where does your belief about love originate from? what/who has influenced your definition of love?
i don't know if i ever had a point of origin for my belief on love. i guess i can say i had an idea of what it should be, based on the many bad examples of what it shouldn't be. i knew what i had been feeling, i no longer wanted to feel or have anyone else be made to feel the way i did. here recently, i discovered love in a whole new profound way and it is due to the rebirth of my [self]. my open mind to many perceptions has influenced my new take on what defines love for me. the negative recurrence in my life forced me so lowthat i had no choice but to say enough and take charge; from here on out i was going to be the only one in charge of loving me. ultimately, i had to find the origin of my love and affirm who i am so that i could appreciate my love.
what is love?
i never really thought about what defines love for me but more so searching for a feeling that everyone else had when they found it.
i was searching for a feeling to translate into words. i thought it was in a secret location waiting for me to find it. i never knew that i was it until i reached a defining moment in my life. that secret location was myself.
i hope this post inspires you or gives you clarification on a question you may have been asking yourself. i came across a woman on twitter who calls herself mama moon who was sending a free self-love workbook to people who subscribed to her website's newsletter. i read a few of the questions + decided to blog my answers to share with others who may need to question themselves.
i. what is my definition of love?
my definition of love is self. my essential being is the foundation of love because it begins + ends within me; for me. if i love myself, i am capable of reflecting that love onto others. we are all one. we are all connected. we all share to experience this love that is a divine introspection of self.